I’VE GOTTA GUT FEELIN’
When I still was in the middle of the making of TRAUMA, I was thinking – not just once – but many many times:
– Who the hell wants to listen to this waaaay too upsetting album???
– Album? Does anyone really bothers about albums still?
– Am I old-fashioned? I wouldn’t mind. (Just a little.)
– Why on earth did I stage such an enormously complicated and difficult recording during my – by far – worst period of my life?
– Who the fuck do I think I am?!
– A full fuckin’ symphony orchestra?? Oh GOD, why?
– Why. Am. I. Such. An… Idiot?
– Why can’t I just behave? For once? Please..?
Yeah, why can’t I behave?
Perhaps because I never really learned to.
I am only rarely aware of what’s driving me forward in my projects. I have strong ideas and I know what I would like tell, and I’m aware of that I have to dig deep into the shit to do it (there are better things in life than this, trust me!), but for me it has unfortunately nothing to do with being “ambitious” or “goal oriented” (attributes I only dream of!). My intensions rises from a part of me that I can’t control. Well, I can control it, but its source is as mysterious as the mission of a sleepwalker: “Go on… go on… just go on, out on the super-thin ice, yeah, come on, no matter what, just go on, theeeere you go”… Is it possible to work on an instinct? Or is that just a condescending way to explain an art process? “Instinct” doesn’t sound intelligent. But quite often I actually believe that I do work instinctively, that I’ve got a gut feelin’… That’s why I never accept invitations to workshops where I am asked to show and learn other music producers the way I work. I simply can’t explain it. I just remember fragments. And when the album is released etc, the memories of the process is as vague as a dream you’re just about to lose in the morning light.
Anyway. I would like to share a radio program I’ve been invited to recently. I do not talk about the creative process. I talk about… therapy and music! It’s in Swedish and CLICK HERE to listen to it.
TRAUMA IS OUUUUUUT!!!!
Just a quick shout out today:
The album is out! And I feel surrounded by all of your love today. I am grateful and super proud!
I would like to brag about all the breathtaking reviews I’ve received so far, but perhaps that’s just fun for myself… haha.
Anyway, THANK YOU! And happy Friday y’all.
Ps. Write more soon. 💋
MY INNER BOB DYLAN WAS MOANING, APRIL 8
Sthlm is grey and cold as fuck today, but I can definitely sense that spring is here. I hear the birds, I notice the small shy flowers, I feel the sun behind the clouds. That makes me hopeful and happy. AND it’s just a few days until TRAUMA is out! OMG, it’s out on Friday!
Ok, here we go –
I was interviewed by X the other day.
X is one of the more renowned reporters in Sweden. X is famous, fame is X’s main mission, I think.
X earns money, and loves to talk about it, “How much money do you earn?”. I find this money-talk very depressing. It’s OK to discuss money (or the lack of it), I do it now and then with my artist-colleagues – To reach break-even is very good – to earn money is however something remarkable. Deadly boring, but necessary sometimes.
X has become pretty wealthy letting interesting people (like myself) desperately try to save the interview by giving detailed, philosophical, personal, funny, deep and (sometimes) clever answers to their questions.
During the 2,5 hour long session, X never asked me one follow-up question what so ever. Once X said, “Eh… I didn’t understand your answer”, but that’s not really a follow-up question, is it? Ghaaa, depressing.
Already after one or two minutes, I noticed that X had been a little lazy with the research, “I have to admit that I haven’t spent so much time with your new album* yet”, X confessed, with a mix of ignorance and arrogance you so often meet when you’re art form is called “pop-music”.
(*Read: “I fast forwarded your album, while checking my FB. I didn’t bother to read the lyrics, ’cause I’m not a ‘lyrics kind of person’.”)
Alright, I told X, “It’s alright, it’s ok”. I hate to be too eager, too demanding. I know there are much more important things than my new album, and I started to feel ashamed sitting there with vain expectations of a fulfilling and interesting conversation. But my inner Bob Dylan was moaning, suggesting not to give away anything but a hard time, ’cause that’s what X deserved.
But instead I worked hard. I gave and I gave and I gave everything. I pretended that the questions on the laptop that X kept staring at, with a bored but restless expression on the face, not was written all on routine. I pretended not to sense how perfunctory every new question came out. I also tried to ignore the fact that X never confirmed me with a nodding head, a smile or any eye contact. X was so occupied with the next question on the screen that he didn’t manage to listen to my answers.
Afterwards I was exhausted, I felt like a tramp. It felt like I sold a piece of me – without getting paid.
How much money do you earn?
– Go fuck yourself!
THE EPIC, EMOTIONLESS CREATIVE FLOW. APRIL 4, 2019
Every artist is manic, right?
25 days of 30 I am unfocused, easily distracted, restless, dreamy, lazy, unorganized, hesitant and scared. I’m too worried, I am too longing, I am too silly, too randy, too sad and way too forgetful. The list goes on. It’s on the remaining five days I finally feel like my true self and where I get the shit done. And I have to admit that I’m almost stunned by my own capacity! In fact it’s fucking magical, my capability (and speed!) has mythological qualities! I feel as potent as God must have felt, when he, after billion years of procrastination (…or depression..?), finally created planets, people and planktons. It’s not at all unthinkable that God is profoundly manic, or was. Not to mention how deep his depression must have taken him after those six hyper-creative days. Where he is now? Engulfed by the magnificent magnitude of his own creativity. I don’t blame him.
Has God even a cycle?
Will he return as “The G.R.E.A.T Creator” some time soon?
No way he has a diagnose?!
Is he also self medicating with alcohol and Netflix-abuse?
Of course. But at least he had his six days of epic and emotionless creative flow.
That’s the trick, the holy secret of Just do it! – do not feel and you will not fear.
That’s right, I don’t feel during these precious moments, that’s why I get things done. Five glorious days of solving problems, paying bills, composing music, making them calls, taking decisions, making schedules and plans, working as if there’s no tomorrow, without panic and with no regrets. I look in the mirror and I see a very cool (and yes, a lil’ manic) version of myself. I pretend that this is my “normal” me.
Everything you find on this homepage, for example, was finished during these five days. Every fucking album, every single song. Not joking! But the point is, that all the ingredients I use, first was slowly cooked for at least 25 days and nights in a bouillon of confusion and nervousness. That’s nothing unique in that, also God put an awful amount of darkness, misery, doubt and fear into his soup, didn’t he? I guess that’s what made us all the miserable misfits we are.
The sun is up, I got to go, speak soon!
APRIL 3, 2019
Hi, how are you?
So happy you’re still here.
I know, this page has been more or less abandoned since last spring, when EXORCISM came out. But now, believe it or not, I have a new amazing record very-soon-to-be-released to take care of. And a new homepage, perhaps that’ll make me more motivated to write here… Btw – a quick question – does anyone ever look at artists homepages anymore? I’m not so sure. All I know, is that I’m fed up with FB. It sucks. So, I rather write long personal essays here (with perhaps only two readers), than trying to shout out messages on FB, because doing that is like screaming into a supermassive black hole.
Anyway, for you who didn’t know, my new album, TRAUMA is out April 12. It’s the sister-album of EXORCISM. And it’s my first one in my native language! Hjälp!
I’ve been writing music since I was 17, and I’ve kept avoiding my mother tongue during all these years. Why? Well, I grew up with, and was influenced by American and British bands. They did not sing in Swedish. They had attitude. I’ve been totally convinced that I would need the “rock’n’roll-language” to express myself in music. I associated singing in Swedish with the lullabies I heard as a kid and later on sang to my own kids. Scared to sound lame and goofy, I’ve kept avoiding it, all until now. Now was the time to be the truest, most fragile version of myself. It’s far from lame. And more explicit than ever. (But as a proof of how much I care for you who doesn’t speak it, yet, I’ll keep writing here in English!)
PS. Feel free to listen to the first single GÖRA SAKEN VÄRRE (RADIO EDIT)